I entered the movie theater with dubious expectations on the day when the first part of the final segment of the Twilight Saga opened. I was ready: my fellow reporter, Lucie Palmeri, and I were equipped with candy, an article on the movie, and pens to document every scene. I even raced through the mall to save us the best possible seats and growl at anyone who wanted to mess - however, waves of adolescent girls a few years younger than us were fierce in their attachment to The Saga, and fought me for them. We ended up a few feet away from the screen.
And then, the movie began, symbolically with Bella, the blushing bride, tottering in too-high heels. She did her whole ‘I’m just a klutzy tomboy, a lamb in love with the lion’ routine, but it was getting a little old. I fail to see the wonder in an unexceptional, dumb, unfunny teenager totally submissive to her boyfriend. That said, Kristen Stewart did her character a favor in this part of The Saga - because the first part of Breaking Dawn is mostly a horror story, KStew could use her vast collection of sulky faces and increasing confidence playing Bella Swan to a happy audience of prepubescent girls. Her acting was what I most admired about the movie, apart from the money. It was clear that none was wasted in the making of the movie, from the filming of the bride and groom’s own personal honeymooning island, to the gruesome birth of their demon child.
Bella and Ed got married, and it was cute. My fellow reporter was sobbing throughout with joy/love. The wedding decorations were nice, and her dress was pretty. Jacob, the rejected werewolf lover, came in for a cameo, and another fight with Edward, but I was more distracted by his Dirty Sanchez moustache.
They sailed away to the honeymooning island. Here Bella and Edward could finally be together and consummate their years of chastity/violence together, and in a heady ten minutes, all of Bella’s dreams came true. The script was as bad as expected; obviously directed at prepubescents, I was a little disillusioned with Bella’s annoying, continual idiocy. She mumbled and stuttered constantly.
But then came the turning point - Bella eats fried chicken, gets sick that very morning and realizes she must be pregnant. Her tummy is already bulgy and Edward wants to abort it, seeing its tumor-like speed and growth. But Bella manages to get her way and keep the child, before they fly home, back to the Cullen family’s home. Jacob comes back into the picture, sees her, is repulsed, and flies through the forest with his vision all red in a hallucinatory video game sequence.
This is the point at which the movie turns horrific, and I was confused as to whether this was my own familiar Twilight, or some ghastly rendition of The Corpse Bride. Shots of Bella’s bruised, liver-diseased belly and zombie-like, skeletal complexion terrified me out of my seat. Ed and Jacob, my Twilight counterparts, were equally frightened. Everyone thought Bella was going to die, but she doesn’t... oops, spoiler. In a blur of morphine and scenes of Bella’s bloody body on a sacrificial altar-like hospital bed, the demon child was birthed. Many fans in the audience cooed at the anti-Christ, but I was not one of them. The baby was whisked away before Jacob imprinted on it, seeing visions of the devil baby as a beautiful woman in the future. Can someone tell me what’s wrong with a mother’s ex-boyfriend falling in love with her newborn? I guess nothing...
I was actually quite impressed with the montage, Tree of Life-style, of vampire venom overcoming Bella’s insides and burning her, etc, near the end. It was more evidence of the money put into this movie, the good director and camera people behind it. Well, I won’t tell you how it ends, but it left a bad taste in my mouth. Nevertheless, I’ll probably be seeing it again with Lucie.
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